Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
