between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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