So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
