Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
