I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
