My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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