somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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