I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
