Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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