You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
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