Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
