i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
