Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
