I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
