have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
