We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
