We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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