I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
