The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
