I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
