Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
