i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
