I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
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