This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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