It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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