I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
