meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
