I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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