After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just high enough for therapy.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
