Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
