I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
