i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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