i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
