Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
