So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it was like having sex with a tree stump
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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