Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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