dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
