What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
