talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
