i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
