There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
