the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
