I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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