I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
