First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
