i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
