Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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