My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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