lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
