is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
