Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
