paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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