I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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