so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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