Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
