Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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