Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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