just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
